(Also known as life.)
Somehow or another, things have managed to hit a high point right now. Thanksgiving break is almost over and I go back to school tomorrow, and that’s probably a good thing. I haven’t spent quite as much time with my family as I would have liked to this week so I plan to make it up to them (somehow) over Christmas break.
While I don’t have anything else to write, I thought I’d go ahead and explain why this blog exists. Well, if I can figure it out myself. Really, this is just a place for me to release. It was never meant to be a place for pure logical thoughts, but somewhere to let go of everything that boils up inside of me sometimes. Yes, it has been (and will probably continue to be) over-dramatic at times. It’s what’s going on inside my head. I’m not comopletely writing this for anyone but myself, but obviously I put it out for the whole world to see so I guess it’s also a way to reach out and see if anyone cares. Oh, and usually I would proofread everything and make sure the whole lot made sense – but this is just a mind dump, so I don’t really care.
Alas, maybe I’ll be able to look back some day and wonder how I was ever so messed up – that would mean I’ve managed to pull myself together a bit. Yes, I’m at a high point, but that just means I’m at the top of the hill and can see the long journey that still awaits me.
What choices will I face this week?
Why do I do that which I hate? Only hours ago I was thrilled about life, ready to go make a difference. So much so that I was a bit antsy to do something right now. Well, allowed myself to get confused or lost or something and instead of doing something productive went straight back to porn. I did it without even thinking through the consequences this time! Usually it’s a forced decision but it’s like I acted before I allowed myself to think.
I don’t freaking understand.
I just want to love life and live it. I want to make a difference in the world. Not get lost in the very thing I hate… I’ve left that world! At least, I thought I had…
Does life ever change? Can I ever truly make a difference?
The choice has made. I’ve chosen life. I’ve chosen Christ. No longer a life without purpose, without reason for existence. From this moment on, I move forward knowing that I’ve been created to reach out and touch someone.
But what’s the next step?
Right now, as I look out, I see so many people with problems. You look at MySpace and you see people reaching out to be loved. You look at FaceBook and you see people wanting there to be a purpose to life. You look at friends and see them struggling between life and death – spiritually and physically. What do you do to make an affect on their life? How do you show them the way?
What’s the next step?
Tired of sleeping.
Tired of waking up to the same thing.
Tired of ignoring the problem.
Tired of not moving any further.
I’m tired of pretending like everything’s okay when it’s not.
I’m tired of pretending my world is falling apart when it’s amazing.
I’m tired of not living life to the fullest.
I’m tired of not striving for the best.
I’m annoyed with the complacency I’ve found in every area of my life. I’ve become undisciplined, unreliable… even unstable. I lack some of the maturity I used to have. For awhile I was able to pretend everything was okay, that there was nothing wrong, but now… I can’t stand it anymore. I’ve abandoned everything I was trying to achieve. Forgot the reason I was here. In some ways, I’ve even become the very thing I hate the most.
When was the last time I actually tried to grow, to learn more, to achieve something more? When was the last time I went above and beyond what was required? When was the last time I even met the requirements?
My life has become a bag full of excuses. Everytime I screw up I just pull out another one even less creative than the last.
“It’s because of my broken family.”
“It’s because I’m tired.”
“It’s because I couldn’t concentrate.”
When was the last time I went to bed knowing I had actually accomplished something?
I’m tired of feeling like each and every day in my life is a lie. Fake. Worthless. I’m tired of a pointless existence whose only accomplishments are breaking hearts, tearing people down and disappointing those closest to me.
I can’t continue to go on like this.
I can’t keep disappointing… myself or others.
I can’t live a lie any longer.
I can’t live this life at all.
This only leaves me with two choices: I can either do whatever it takes to make my life worth something or I can end it all with a single bullet.
Guess it’s time to make a choice.